It's impossible to understand my real motivations, because like the tides of the ocean, they change all the time. I am more concerned with a realm that has no boundaries. Nothing less than the source of life itself is the secret I seek. No wonder, if I fail, that my disillusionment and world-weariness can be as great as my aspirations. It's sometimes said that I contain a little bit of all the others. And no one is as much of a chameleon as I am.
I have a fluidity and complexity which can be alternatively enchanting and infuriating. There are so many people inside of me that others wonder when the real person I am will stand up and be seen. Sometimes I show a strange passivity or inertia when a crisis looms. But making decisions requires choosing one thing over another, and to me all choices contain some truth. Seeing the relativity of truth is a great gift, because it makes me more tolerant and forgiving - and, occasionally, incredibly lax.
That calm, wise indifference with which I greet human transgressions not only applies to my own transgressions. I seem to accept misfortune as though I was born to it, expect it, even welcome it. But I know something other people usually don't: all that human suffering means little when your eyes and heart are focused on a greater unity.
I am the sign of the mystic. Admittedly, there are many like me roaming about who are almost a caricature of the rational, scientific mind. These are the people who are frightened of the chaos of their own depths. But probe more deeply, and unless the defences are incredibly rigid, there is a deep spiritual longing in every person that feels the same as me. That doesn't mean religious in an orthodox way. But I have an intuitive sense of some other reality, something magical and elusive, a transcendent unity which makes ordinary life seem drab and meaningless.
I also have a deep instinctive wisdom about the futility of so many human desires. Intense ambition, powerful passions, covetousness, greed...these ordinary human motives don't usually have much power over me. Deep down,I don't really take them all that seriously. After all, as they say in the East, it's only maya - only illusion. As a water sign, I'm deeply sensitive to the secret undercurrents that lie behind the mask of ordinary human behaviour.
It's hard to fool me. But where others might respond by defending themselves and accruing resentment, I will look, see, feel saddened, and forgive. I often let myself be taken advantage of, not because I'm gullible, but because I feel sorry for all sorts of people. This material world isn't the real one to me; I listen to a different drumbeat.
I move in a world where every thought and action has thousands of associations which ripple out into infinity, and nothing is ever simple and clear. It's hard for me to discriminate, to limit myself. The compensation for this disturbing lack of boundaries is my boundless imagination.
The world of the arts, and of intuitive science is heavily populated by my thoughts. I have a built-in key to the vast and mysterious realm of the unconscious psyche, and it was given to me at birth as a gift. The trouble is, once in those waters, I sometimes find it hard to come back. Coping with mundane reality can be a real problem for me. Although my intuition may be lightning-quick and my intellect brilliant, I often overlook something simple.
I'm also an incurable romantic. Romantic I was born and romantic I will remain. And romance isn't just about love affairs. I crave magic, and I get bored more easily than any other person I know. The only truly consistent things about me is my allegiance to a higher, deeper reality and my love and longing for change. Never mind the safe job, the conventional social status, the budget which ensures my pension will see me through old age. I'll take hyacinths for the soul any time.